oh hoot.

Yeah.

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 15:53:54 GMT

This song is amazing.
"I Will Follow You into the Dark" -- Death Cab for Cutie

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be a close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
'Son fear is the heart of love'
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes...
Are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

February 1st!

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 15:23:01 GMT

The snow flakes drifting outside look like tiny crystals, or tears, in the sunlight. So beautiful.

I could be getting sick, but I'm not sure. I've had a runny nose for the past couple of days, and my throat hurts right now, but this could just be from waking up having slept with my mouth open. My face is a lot clearer now, I think.

I'm horribly un-motivated to study right now, which will end up biting me in the ass. I get all my homework done, but I don't feel like studying. I need to find a way of motivating myself -- I know I will because ultimately I'm paying for this education of mine, so I better do damn well. I hate wasting money, so I wouldn't want to do that. I just know that my grades are slipping a little bit. I have at least a B in two classes (maybe three now) and that just will not do.

My friend Jake gave me a book to read -- The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy and I'm really enjoying it thus far. I had such a relaxing evening just visiting with him and then coming back to my room and listening to music and reading. I think I really needed that 'night off' before the storm of next week hits (two tests, a presentation looming ahhh).

Everyone -- have a wonderful day. "So ist das leben, so wird es bleiben." Loosely translated that means "Sometimes life makes its own plans." Thank you dad for telling that to me; I've really taken it to heart.

Let's go!

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 03:12:27 GMT

It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake.
Rilo Kiley -- All The Good That Won't Come Out

This song is really... poignant for me right now. I feel that I should be expressive with myself and honest with other people. Tonight I've not felt like doing anything. I ran into a friend in the SUB and sat with her for a bit and ate wonderfully un-healthy french fries. I sat in on her rehearsal as she accompanied (on the piano) this girl. Was really interesting, and some of the pieces were really enjoyable.

I'm going to wait for him because I think what we had was too good to let slip through my fingers if it ever presents itself again.

My grades are slipping a little right now, and I need to really kick my studying in high gear if I want to get As again. The impending doom of having to pay for my insurance (discounts for good grades!) is helping spur me on. And because I want to do well. No more fucking around.

Spreading Love!

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 16:40:07 GMT

Spreading Love!, originally uploaded by cowboyping.

This picture really isn't all that amazing, but I like its feeling and colors.

I'm tired of layering up to go outside, so I think I'm just going to stop doing it so much.

I think I did well on my Non-Western Art exam. I know I rocked the slide identification anyway.

Since facebook (SF) I've been keeping in touch with people through e-mail, and it's been really nice. E-mail feels slightly more intimate, which appeals greatly to me.

I've recently started taking better care of my face (and just better care in general) and I think it's starting to help. I purchased this Apricot Scrub, which basically feels like gooey sand, but man does it make my face feel good.

Alright, have a good day.

Yo yo.

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 23:01:02 GMT

Maybe I'm going crazy for posting twice in one day-ayay.

I've just been in my friend's room all day. We've been doing homework and talking and studying and we both just got up from an hour nap, which was great. I really like spontaneous things like this where I'm so comfortable. I have a lot of studying to do tonight. Hopefully I'll make it!

Alright. Yeah.

Weekend

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 17:13:20 GMT

This past weekend was really great.

Two friends came and visited and we really had an amazing time talking and eating (oh man so much eating) and seeing Dream Girls and dancing and all that. I was fairly sad to see them go, but I take solace in that I'll see them in a couple of weeks when I go home for my birthday.

I should finally have my car again next weekend! This makes me so happy. I'll have to go down to Columbia to meet my parents to get my car, so maybe while I'm down there I'll visit a couple of friends.

I'm applying at a dress shop that my friend Joyce works at. I really need to remember to bring my application in tomorrow -- hopefully I'll get this job. That'll make my week a little bit fuller, but money is wonderful.

Today will be spent studying for my non-western art test tomorrow. Oh boy!

Morning.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 16:46:09 GMT

So my flickr address is now a lot easier to remember.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cowboyping/

Add me as a friend if you have one? I'm starting to use it a lot more now that I've deleted facebook, so be sure to check it more often. I would really like to get a scanner so I can start scanning the multitudes of polaroids that I have.

My acne seems to not want to go away, and instead seems to be flaring up. I think I need to take showers more often (ie everyday) and get a good face cleaner. I guess I'll have to start using my topical stuff more as well. I hate doing that though because my face gets all red.

This morning was really beautiful outside. Maybe Thoreau is onto something with his whole 'morning brings back the heroic ages'-- the golden age, more specifically. Everyday you get to wake up to a day that's not yet been stomped around on. A relatively fresh start where you can affect what happens to you or how you feel. Morning is the eternal spring-time. And this attitude should be with you always, and I'm going to try it out.

I also really want to shave, but can't! Curse you Joyce!
And and and I'm thinking of becoming a strawberry blonde. Is that scary? I think it'd actually look fairly good.

I can't think of a good subject.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 05:42:04 GMT

I'm single again, mm.
These things happen, and I'm fine.

"Keep on trucking" has become this broken record that I scratch up from over-use.

I'm still happy though. Friends for now -- I can deal with that.

Have a good evening.

Elegance and Booty-shake.

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 15:31:06 GMT

Elegance and Booty-shake., originally uploaded by cowboyping.

I've been enjoying myself lately. School has kept me busy, but I feel prepared and like I'm actually learning material. The knowledge is actually sinking in and staying there. Hopefully.

There's still snow on the ground, and sometimes it still catches my breath -- usually in the late afternoon when I'm walking through the quad.

I went on a walk last night, which I haven't done in awhile. Whenever I walk I tend to stick to campus because I like the lighting and if I get too cold I can just duck into a building and rest for a little. Took my time peering at the art in Ophelia Parrish, and sitting on a couch there and just watching people come in and leave and go down that hallway and up the stairs and oh there's that person again above me. Everyone moving -- that was really nice to watch.

Ahhh!

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 23:07:50 GMT

I have tutoring in twenty-seven minutes.

I'm beginning to enjoy Spanish more and more. The same with Japanese. I really have a desire to study another foreign language! Ahh! Should I do what I wanted to originially and become a Romance Language major? I'm thinking about it. I would be so so so marketable in the job market if I could speak Spanish, French, and Japanese. I still primarily want to teach, but I wonder what my other options could be.

Over the summer I want to tackle the various novels I have in Japanese and Spanish because I feel that I'll know the grammar well enough by then, and armed with my dictionaries I should be able to suffer through them.

Pardon a me.

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 18:49:35 GMT

The weather is actually fairly nice right now -- 32 F being what I consider nice these days.
It snowed a little bit more last night, and it was beautiful. Ice splayed out and encrusting tree branches can be really breath-taking.

Last night I took my bike out for a jaunt. I had to use my bike pump to knock the ice off its frame, but I know my buddy appreciated the gesture. We zoomed down dark streets together; he visited with the snow covered landscape as I visited with flesh and blood in warm, bright houses. My hands grew slightly numb (thank you horrid gloves, thanks) as I clutched his appendages and rode home.

I stayed with two friends in their room for awhile. We vocalized many things (dance, relationships, summer jobs, being nervous, being busy). Then then I left and walked (sorry bicycle -- you're still lovely) back to my dormitory and sagged into a couch and spoke with the friends there. Working working working and laughing and being tired and needing coffee (them, not me). And I conversed in Spanish, which will become a routine thing now. I have the need to strengthen my Spanish conversation. I may pick up reading Jurassic Park II again in Spanish -- maybe I'd be more suited to it now.

Gramma -- I have a boyfriend now! And I'm crazy happy, and hope that you meet him sometime.

Okay, lunch soon. Have a splendid day.

Little thoughts.

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 18:01:56 GMT

I think I have a slight obsession with lighting. I love walking around campus at night and just looking at the different lights and how their light splays on things (people, concrete, brick, walls).

In talking about Emerson in my American Lit. class I've really connected with what he was saying in Nature and Self-Reliance. One should take time to gaze on surroundings and think about ideas and walk around and just sit for awhile. We need to be honest with each other; we need to not be so timid and afraid. There's this obsession with stuff because it shows a certain status, and that's how you convey your standing in society -- through the stuff you own, or parade around. I'm not quite sure how true that is, but there's some validity to that. As my professor put it -- the soul-killing power of conformity leads to the necessity of individualism. And, to be consistent is to be controlled. When one is consistent one is predictable, and much easier to handle or deal with (ie controlled). So I guess Emerson is saying that one should be unpredictable and shake things up and not go meekly through life.

I'm not quite sure how much worth I put with Emerson, but I enjoy thinking about his ideas. Because if we're supposed to be self-reliant, and not follow others then why should we follow what Emerson teaches? Wouldn't that be going against his ideals?

No subject -- gotta go!

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 16:16:09 GMT

Thursday! Yes.

Spent the night in my friend's roomly abode -- it was quite nice. Was able to sleep in a little this morning as well since I don't have class until fifteen minutes from now. I must make this short though because I have to go soon.

I hope it doesn't snow, or if it does snow that it doesn't ice. We'll see. Maybe I'll post a more thorough entry later, but for now I'm off to class.

A la la la.

More diatribe about classes.

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 19:17:36 GMT

The third day of classes trundles on.

My Japanese class seems to be more challenging then it was last semester, which is what I want, but I got used to not having to ever think or worry about that class last semester. I'll do fine, but I want to do really well -- especially since I have such an interest in the language. This goes for Spanish as well. I need to be more resiliant about my studying habits this semester.

I had my Non-Western Art class today as well, which was actually fairly interesting. We've started talking about Native North American art, and a lot of the history behind that form of art being recognized. It's interesting. A problem I have though is that I don't have the texts for that class and both bookstores are out of them. I'll probably end up having to special order them, and hopefully I'll have them sometime next week (if not sooner!). For now I'll just have to borrow other copies and such, which shouldn't be too bad. I just hate relying on someone else for materials because there's such a pressure to get it back to them as soon as possible. Especially in a class like this with reading every week.

I'm really pumped about my American Literature class. I finished doing the reading for that yesterday -- I had to read parts of Emerson's Nature and Self-Reliance. There were a lot of really interesting points in Self-Reliance. I'm going to re-read a bunch of it tonight so everything is fresh in my mind for tomorrow. Or I'll wait until tomorrow and do it during the day. That might be best, so I can finish right before class starts.

This week is going horribly slow though, haha. I want it to be Friday already, oh man oh man.

Tonight I have dinner plans, then I have to read some stuff from a Reserved Book from the library for Non-Western Art, and that's about all. I mean of course I have to continue studying, but that's a given. Alright. Adios muchachos!

Of classes and friendships.

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 15:12:50 GMT

I think I'm going to drop Biology. Agricultural Science is much more up my alley, but none of those classes are open at the moment, so I have to come up with another class to fill my schedule. I was thinking Non-Western Art because that seems to be the only real other option. Well that and Symbolic Logic, but I'd rather just take plain 'ol Logic for my Philosophical/Religious Mode (or something that actually pertains to my East Asian Studies Minor... haha). This is the problem with dropping a class -- most others are full. I could possibly take another English class, but I don't want to just randomly take something that I don't really need. Non-Western Art would fulfill my Fine Arts Aesthetic, but I planned on minoring in Art as well, so won't those classes fulfill that as well? Haha. Oh the joys of messing around with classes.

I have Trigonometry today at ten-thirty, which I'm fairly excited about. I always enjoyed Trig in high school. And then later this afternoon I have my American Literature class! Such a fatty book I have for that! Another option is that I could just have twelve credit hours and then get a job, and use the free time I have for makin' money. I'm not quite sure if this is a good idea because who knows if I can get a job right now and it would further 'delay' the possibility of me graduating in four years... but we'll see. I really need to talk to my parents about all this and figure it out. I mean there're always summer courses I can take to catch up...

I do like being back at school though. My goal for this semester (beyond getting As again) is to mend some relationships that kind of fell away last semester. I need to make more of an effort to see certain people and interact with them and all that good stuff. I think I'll be successfull -- I just have to get started, hah.

Golly.

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 17:47:12 GMT

I like that name.
Today marks the last day before un semestre nuevo. I feel boiyant and obstreperous -- just let them try to stop me from succeeding this semester. I have high standards to meet from the previous months, but I will.

"Here. I picked this for you," smile.
"Oh," head lowers, a red flush spreads. "Thank you."
The daisy clings to her hand as she in turn grips the flower. They stand just outside her door (the green one with the moon window in the wood). Their eyes flutter to each other and she throws her gaze up at the settling blue-washed sky. The girls' consanguinity is felt (a new thing, yet a trifle) and they laugh and shuffle inside. The door closes behind them.

We're taking it off...

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 19:41:11 GMT

Over the past two days I've gotten up before eight. I don't quite know why. I'm enjoying getting up early though because my days seem longer and (if I weren't so lazy) I (would hope to) get more things done. For instance, today I got my Emissions Test for my car and re-potted my plant and worked out and made my own lunch. I don't believe I'll take a shower today -- maybe tomorrow. I would also like to pick up Polaroid film.

I picked up Janna last night and we went for a ride in my car. Our maneuvers eventually ended us in Forest Park where we tried to get lost, succeeded fairly well, and enjoyed the park atmosphere at night. Such wonderful lights in the Grand Basin at the foot of Art Hill. Having a vehicle again makes me extremely ecstatic.

Mm, and after all the escapedes and wayward emotions of these past couple months while at school I am finally dating someone. I plan on visiting him next weekend (the one after the one upcoming). His name is Richard, and I'm very happy.

I'm sleep-ee.

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 06:50:34 GMT

Feet slip around each other
in the soft soft sand.
Toes mingle and
legs tremor.

These granules rough,
abrasive
chatter about
all the dirty
baubles.

Awash in
each other.
We prop and
crumble.

Take the sand
softly with you.
Please.

It's a holly jolly...

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 08:21:40 GMT

Haven't really updated in awhile, haha. Horrible!

Mm things are going really well for me right now. Pulled off straight As for my first semester. Will have a car again Wednesday evening. And maybe a date sometime later this week. Maybe a more thorough update later, but for now I have to sleep so I can wake up and enjoy Christmas Day.

Best Regards!

Who knows what will happen.

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 21:34:22 GMT

His fingers pushed against flesh briefly. A whisper of touch between the two as they walked. The night wasn't making any promises, but just carried them along as they glanced at each other and verbalized and smiled -- and the touch spoke to both. Initiated by one and caught by the other the small carress brought the two closer. Their arms touched now as they continued to stroll. Hot flesh stirring up the usual. The everything and happiness that starts with whomever is bold enough to instigate feeling. The night crept on, and the romance as well. And that was good.

Let's get it started!

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 16:13:52 GMT

So, I just had my interview test in Japanese and I rocked that baby! Speaking in Japanese always puts me in a good mood. I wish my spanish was up to par with my Japanese, and I know that'll happen eventually. Just have to keep studying.

I really think I'm going to minor in ART as well as Asian Studies. More specifically painting. I just enjoy doing it so much -- I need to look into getting into an ART class next semester instead of my American literature class. That'd be schweet.

Okay, well, have a good day everyone.

Interesting.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 23:48:49 GMT

So I recently re-found this necklace that I used to wear all the time. The necklace consists of a black cord and then a metal disk hanging from it with a rune carved into the metal. Out of curiousity I searched for the rune online and it turns out that it represents a yew.

This is what the website says...
"The yew tree is an ancient wisdom keeper and the gateway to the otherworld. Because of this it is known as the shaman rune (representing the ability of the shaman to control/mould the unshaped energy of the otherworld) standing for motivation and transformation."

I think that's really fitting for my life right now and it makes me want to wear this necklace again.

Something to peruse.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 01:58:04 GMT

So, I wrote this story for my last paper for my English class. Maybe critique it if you like? Or just read it? Let me know what you think, anyway. Thanks. Oh and it's behind a cut because it's a tad long (not really though if that scares you away from checking it out, ha).

Phyllis turned off the highway and onto the country road. The trees stood erect and bare. She was oblivious to the dust generated in her wake and the oldies crooning on the radio; instead she stared straight ahead as she drove, barely concentrating on each infrequent road sign as she passed. Phyllis knew the exact road she needed to turn off on.

Upon finally seeing the sign for seven-thousand road, her heart skipped a beat. It’s been so long, she thought as she slowed, stopped the car, and stared at the road sign for some minutes. Wind blew across the road. Phyllis noticed a small lilac that still clung to life below the road sign; it fluttered in the breeze, small and weak. Phyllis clicked on her left turn signal and moved onto the road.

The brown, dirty gravel brought back a flood of memories as she drove for a bit longer. She saw herself walking along the edge of the lane in a navy dress with a little girl at her side. They were laughing and talking and she was telling the girl what the flowers were that grew in the ditch. The image faded away in the rearview mirror as Phyllis drove further – the little girl’s laughter continuing to ring out.

Phyllis came upon a white house. The green shutters were covered in a fine dust and the roof was awash with leaves. The grass was overgrown and a tree had fallen next to the house. The branches danced against the windowpanes, which stared blankly out at the landscape. “Ah, home,” she sighed. She parked her car and got out, wrapping a crimson scarf around her neck as a cold breeze swept around her body. The woman stood by her car for a moment – a land she knew well. With a nod Phyllis took off into the uncharted waters of the stiff grass. She made her way past the defunct house and into the expansive backyard, which looked much like the front with grass, brown and brittle. A child’s doll lay in the dirt, its rosy face all but rubbed off and her light blue dress, faded and grubby. Phyllis knelt and touched the arm, shuddered, and moved on. She could make out the well in the distance, a solid object against the backdrop of dormant tress that mocked and tormented. As she drew closer, her pulse quickened. Phyllis stopped a few feet away and stared.

The dirt was still scuffed around the well from that day over two years ago—when Ally fell in. I knew I shouldn’t have left her alone in the backyard even if for only two seconds. I knew that well should have been boarded up or the walls made taller or the lid should have been on. What was I thinking? What were we thinking? The instant I heard that high-pitched scream my heart stopped. She was going to start swimming lessons that next week, but that day she sank like a stone. I screamed and screamed and screamed. I was so useless. By the time they pulled my baby girl out her little heart had stopped. Her brown hair pressed damply to her pale skin. I only glanced at her eyes all glassy and vacant before I couldn’t look any longer. I can remember holding her inert body and sobbing until they took her away…she’s gone. I was so cowardly. I couldn’t handle it. I ran away. I ran out on you.

Phyllis grasped the lid of the well. She felt the dark, coarse wood and digging in with her fingers she pushed the lid off. It came to rest in the coarse grass with a clunk. The gaping hole stared up at Phyllis; the darkness was an abrupt reminder of the past. “Oh Ally…why is life so hard? So cruel? Robbed of so much at such a young age. You know after you died I couldn’t handle anything anymore. Everything reminded me, you haunted me. Your funeral was so nice. There were so many people there and so many faces that tried to comprehend the horror I went through. They couldn’t, and I couldn’t help but be jealous of these people with their children and family. You were everything. After they buried you – in that yellow dress you liked – I rented out the house and moved to the city. I figured I could get away if I surrounded myself in noise, people, and lights instead of this house in the country filled with solitude and spirits. I could numb the pain. And Ally you know what? It worked…for a while. I got a job at a coffee shop, and owned an apartment. I even had a boyfriend for a bit, and friends, and I socialized, but I could never forget you. You and your button nose always intruded on my thoughts when I fell asleep. You constantly brought me back to that day. Your cold, limp hands…tiny fingers…” Phyllis slumped down beside the well and let out a sob. Her back rested against the cold concrete; she tugged at her scarf and scowled.

“I mean how could you have fallen in? What were you doing so close to the well anyway? Sure the concrete isn’t very high, but why did you have to go and fall in? Didn’t I always tell you that the well wasn’t for playing around? That you should stay close to the house. How dare you not listen! That was completely unfair! How dare you leave me here all alone! Always plagued by your memory. You were my princess! You abandoned me!” Phyllis got up and yelled into the black well, “How dare you! You died! I should have been the one to die before you! Why did you leave me? Why? Why? Wh—?“ Tears were swallowed by the darkness as sobs racked the distraught woman’s body. She clung to the side as she heaved and sobbed, and her hair moved with each undulation, with each cry. Phyllis heaved onto the grass and rolled on her back, the dead grass poking between her shoulder blades. The sky matched her mood, a gray ceiling that pressed down – the surrounding trees dark, bony hands reaching towards the oppressive air. Nothing moved.

Phyllis gasped for air; her brown eyes stung from the cold. Her breathing slowly slowed and returned to normal. Ally… Mom is going to always remember you. Okay, baby? Okay.She moved her gaze to the well, which stood just as before. “I hate you,” she muttered. The well offered no reply. No condolences. It would never change. The well would always sit, stoic and oblivious. Phyllis looked back at the trees and noticed a few small buds had begun to appear on the branches. Phyllis got up from the grass with a slight smile hovering about her face, unwound the sanguine scarf from around her neck, and placed it next to the well. She then replaced the lid, and walked away. The well didn’t follow.

Doo, la la la.

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 23:34:32 GMT

I may be coming down with some cold or sickness and am tired. Thankfully not particularly stressed out, but this week is rather busy. And even with saying that I don't really believe that I'm too busy. Especially not compared to some people because I still have time to sit idle.

I just witnessed a really nice sunset. Winter is one of my favorite seasons, but I haven't really felt that enjoyment for this weather yet. Seeing that sunset helped. Winter sunsets are different because the air is thinner and the colors seem to coalesce more. Mmm. I may try to get to bed early this evening so I don't feel so sluggish tomorrow.

Conflicting emotions.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 05:58:53 GMT

I wasn't in the best of moods earlier this evening for some reason. I think I was really tired, and just thinking too much about stuff that seems to be fine anyway. And then I was sad (and happy) when it started snowing because it just seems like there are all these things that are trying to get me to stay up in kirksville this weekend when this is the one true weekend that I really want to go back. I guess it's kind of silly that I feel this way, but I really hope we can still get home.

Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny, so we have that on our side, and we're not leaving until the afternoon, which should allow for something to melt, I hope. It might take longer, but if we're careful, I think we can make it. I'm just really excited to meet people (really, someone) and to just be around my house on saturday, and I want Janna and Joyce to have a nice place to work on their project and relax. I'm looking forward to this so much and would hate for it to be messed up because of inclimate weather. Blah!

Oh well, I'm in a lot better mood now -- sorry to my wee family if my mood seemed off this eve. Good night all, and enjoy the snow and stay warm.